Things I Was Offered to Cover Someone's Shift at The PIT

If you have the pleasure of interning at The PIT , not only will you SAVE BIG $$$ on your improv classes and learn some of the ins and outs of running a comedy theater, but you'll also get placed on a somewhat humorous email list introducing you to the lurid, backdoor black market of shift swapping.  Each intern is assigned a weekly time slot for 8 weeks and if something comes up one of those weeks, then you need to find someone to swap with you. These requests are generally accompanied by dramatic, unhinged emails with all caps subject lines like 'OH GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME' and 'I'M NEEDED AT MY 2ND COUSIN'S CHRISTENING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, WON'T ANYONE HAVE MERCY??' Here are all the offers I got over the past couple of months:

• "I've got a friend who works at Baked by Melissa . I could hook you up with cupcakes. Or something other than pastries. It's really up to you."

• "I can also bake some delightful treats for you."

• "I'll give you donuts."

• "I will buy you two beers after your shift. Or if you prefer, bring you cookies."

• "I will totally swap a shift with you on a day I'm free, and buy you a beer or two. Best part, I'll be at the bar after the show when you get off of your shift. This means I can buy you the drink right then and there. Immediate gratification."

• "If anyone would be willing to cover for me, I would buy you so many coffees or anything cheap and legal you desire."

• "I'll buy you a drink or a cookie or gum."

• "I am willing to knit you either a hat or a scarf (well, as long as you're willing to wait for a few months.). Or if you hate knitted goods, I can buy you a drink."

Which would you take?